Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Your Love, Support, Emails, Texts, Blogs, Phone Calls, Flowers And Offers For a Massage

make me happy.

Thank you doesn't seem to quite cut it today as I try to express the gratitude I feel for being spoiled by everyone's kind thoughts, positive energy and love.

Danke. Does that work better?

So last night I had a hot tub and a glass of sauvignon blanc. Something I hadn't done in three months. It was beautiful. When I separated the why from the now, I was able to notice that the air is still so chilly, the sky is still a winter blue, full of interesting clouds, and the trees are still swaying and shivering in the north wind. It was a treat I wasn't planning on experiencing till next winter.

I sat there and thought... 'This isn't bad. It's certainly not what I thought I'd be doing this evening but not bad at all.' Again. Separating the why I'm doing this, from the actual now of doing it and it all seemed good.

Then I ate sushi. That's right - hot tub, wine wine and shushi. You want to tell me I'm not pregnant? Oh I'll show you not pregnant!

While the sushi tasted delish it probably wasn't one of the smarter ideas I had yesterday. You see I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight last night in order to prepare for the surgery, so after ingesting all that sodium in the soy sauce I went from craving ketchup to wanting to dive into a vat of icy cold water and drink it all up at one in the morning.

Got to the hospital at 7:30am this morning with Kev (still dying for a glass of water), got registered, filled out some paper work, answered the necessary questions, and then Kev put Fantastic Mr. Fox on his computer to pass the rest of the time. Smart husband - that movie kills me.

At 9:35am they took me in the OR, hooked up my IV, put on the blood pressure cuff on my arm and heart monitor on my finger. There were lots of people buzzing around and I remember two of them discussing the fact that I was a 1.7 and did that mean they should give me a 2 or a 1 (I'm guessing it was the amount of the magic stuff that puts me to sleep they were talking about). At 9:40 they decided it should be a 2 and began injecting it into my IV. They told me it would burn going in, which I didn't really feel, but do remember thinking 'Maybe it's made it's way to my elbow by now...'

And that was the last thought I had until 10:08am when a nice nurse put her hand on my shoulder and told me I was waking up. I was all like 'Okay, great! I'm ready to begin this operation!' and she was all like 'It's done.'

Thoughts on my first time being put under - 'That was freaky.' Like being in the deepest, darkest, sleep for hours. Not hearing or feeling a thing.

I feel very blessed that they were able to perform this surgery so quickly after the diagnosis and that I had so many kind medical staff taking care of me.

Got home in time to read to the Byrd before her nap. And lied down for a nap myself. I napped hard.

Since I've been up I've kept busy. Cooking, playing crayons, reading comments, texts, emails, and this blog post. It's a post by my friend Jamie, called Loved and Lost, stories about how the landscape of one's birthday changes, and it almost seemed like he was suggesting in a positive way, when one suffers a loss on their birthday. A poignant commentary on this unique experience. Basically a story that gave me hope that my birthday wouldn't suck for the next 20 years.

I also opened up an email from a lovely young girl whom I had sold a Formica table to a few years back. The email was actually sent on the evening of March 7th so she would have had no idea how much her kind words would mean to me 24 hours later.

I have to share a part of it with you here just so you can get some idea how perfect the timing of this email was in lifting my spirits...

Started reading your blog. Was very hooked. You've been a source of complete inspiration for everything from decor and fashion (wowsers, you guys are amazing) to healthy eating (your spinach in soup pictures and tips always make me want have some - but then again so do your pizza nights) to the relationship you and Kevyn have (the amazingness of it, but also when you talk about any realistic difficulties too), your parenting (I'm not there yet, but boy she's cute -I hope to be as cool as you two one day when I have kids!), your attitude towards physical exercise and the vigor and discipline you seem to do it all with (not there yet totally but trying), the great time you have with friends (i'd like to spend more time doing that) but most importantly, your attitude towards happiness and living in the present ("life is now" is a great reminder for me - always a tough balance to envision what i want for future, keep goals in mix but also live NOW).

Pretty nice stuff, eh?

And don't even get me started about Facebook. I don't care what anyone says about it, I love it. And I love how 10 to 15 words postings, from people I haven't seen in years, can bring such positive energy zaps into my world.

Same with texts. You know what - I didn't want to talk to anyone yesterday. I didn't want to cry over and over again. But I certainly didn't mind flipping my phone over every now and then to read those little messages of love.

Sometimes I think that I don't care about what happened. It happened. It's been dealt with. It's over.

I care.

The head trip is transitioning my thoughts back to no baby. New thoughts about work, saving money, not having to mentally prepare to be sleep deprived for the last four months of the year. New thoughts about hot tubbing, dinner parties, and exercising. Obviously a good reminder not to get my head to caught up in the future.

But the majority of today wasn't spent over thinking things, rather just spent kicking around with Kevyn and Byrdie. Which obviously included a visit from Evan and Edison.

Believe me when I tell you I get how blessed I already am. If this were all I ever had... it's enough.

Much, much more then enough.


AndreaD said...

You amaze me. Your beauty (inner and outer) truly is touching. You inspire me always! Sending you lots of love!!

Angie said...

Stacy, yesterday I tried to figure out the perfect words to say to you and I couldn't. Then I read this post, and see that you touched on many of the things I wanted to say. You know everything is going to be ok, you know that life is hard sometimes but so worth it. You just know, and thats cool. Another thing you should know is that lots of people you never have met, really do love you and your bestlifeever is daily inspiration. Send my love over to Kev and the Byrd as well.

P.S. I have been following your blog for a few years now, consider me a shy one. haha. I was tempted to comment on the recent fridge post with "you can do it put your back into it" (mid 90s rap song that came to mind) but thought that might seem too random. Now ya know, and now expect more random comments :)

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

We love you.

Fit With Flash said...

I'm so sorry about your loss, but you got this, Stacy. I know you'll do nothing but find the good in the things that lie ahead. Here's to happy days in the future. Cheers.